Fighting Right and the Four Horsemen

The Gottman method for marriage counseling from the Gottman Institute utilizes the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to determine the likeliness of longevity in a relationship. The Four Horsemen includes criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. When a relationship dominantly has one or more of these in their relationship, then repair after conflict can become more difficult, which then leads to further disconnect within the relationship. Thankfully, with years of research conducted by John and Julie Gottman, the Gottman Institute has provided antidotes to help improve connection, as well as allow couples to become masters in working through conflict and find long term happiness with their partners.

Here is a further breakdown of the Four Horsemen and their antidotes:

The first horseman is criticism, which is different from voicing a complaint. When you are criticizing your partner, you are attacking your partner. For example: “You are inconsiderate and rude since you showed up late. You need to think about how your behavior affects others.” Voicing a complaint or feedback looks like this, “I was hurt when you showed up late without letting me know. It would be helpful to prioritize our communication with one another in these situations.” The antidote to criticism is using a gentle start up, which includes using “I” statements to express feelings and our needs we need from our partner. 

The second horseman is contempt, which is when you put yourself as better and superior to your partner. Examples of this is by mocking, body language, and/or using statements to purposely make your partner feel less than. The antidote to contempt is showing appreciation for our partner, which can include reminding ourselves of our partner's qualities and the reasons why we love them. 

The third horsemen is defensiveness, which is a response to criticism. Our defenses are activated when we feel like we’ve been accused unjustly. Defensiveness more than likely will escalate the issue and continue the conflict. The antidote for defensiveness is taking responsibility, which looks like accepting our partner's perspective and feelings, as well as providing an apology when needed. 

The fourth horsemen is stonewalling, which is a response to contempt.This is when one partner shuts down and stops responding. Stonewalling can occur due to our partners feeling flooded. If this is the case, then it is important to take a break and come back to resolving the conflict at another time. The antidote for stonewalling is self soothing, which includes taking a break and engaging in self care or a positive distraction. 

​​This concept can also be utilized between parent and child as well. The difference between a couple vs. a child and parent is that the parent is the one responsible in demonstrating and modeling healthy communication, conflict resolution, and tools to build healthier relationships. 

Here at Lexington Counseling & Psychiatry we have many highly skilled therapists certified in the Gottman Method for marriage and family counseling that can help you work through conflicts and find antidotes to resolve challenges in relationships.  Call our office at 859.338.0466 to schedule an appointment with one of our providers for marital, individual, or family counseling. Our current offices are located in Lexington, Frankfort, and Richmond, KY. We have been trusted mental health professionals in Central Kentucky for over 22 years! 

Supporting Articles/videos: 

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-in-the-parent-child-relationship/

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

https://www.ted.com/talks/julie_and_john_gottman_even_healthy_couples_fight_the_difference_is_how?subtitle=en