Divorce


Divorce in Lexington, Richmond & Frankfort KY


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Often, parents get overwhelmed in the legal proceedings of a divorce and forget that it has long-lasting effects on the entire family. A divorce does not just affect the husband and wife, but affects the entire family, no matter how old the children. Even if divorces begin amicably, it is not certain to end peacefully. The dynamic of a divorcing family is deeply complex and constantly varying, and contributes to the wellbeing of all members in the family.

Divorce, while it seems to be just the separation of the parents, is really a collection of changes that will affect everyone involved. There are often changes in living arrangements, financial situations, and sometimes school or work changes. Usually, the initiator of the divorce is more prepared for the changes, and consider them an even tradeoff for the unhappiness caused during the marriage. However, the non-initiator and the children are on less level playing field, especially if the suggestion of divorce was unexpected and surprising. Those aside from the initiator require more time to accept the situation, and adjust to the changes.

The Psychology of Divorce

Though a divorce is stressful, and often the husband and wife are at each other’s throats, there are guidelines for a friendly divorce that can help keep things calm and peaceful.

Try to figure out what happened, without blaming the other party. Find understanding in a way that is descriptive, without being judgmental. Attempt to understand how the marriage failed, by examining stresses, differing developmental stages and skill deficits.

Determine your own mistakes and attempt to fix them. Even if the marriage is not saved, working on your own faults can improve your quality of life for yourself and in future relationships.

Learn skills for collaborative dialogue and shared decision-making.

Attempt to settle the divorce amicably, being fair yet generous in the settlement arrangements.

Find good legal advisors that are experienced and helpful with mediating issues.
Seek help from a friend or counselor in order to work through troubling feelings stemming from the divorce. Bottling these feelings up will only bring you down later.

Handle the divorce slowly. With all the inevitable changes, moving things too quickly will only stir up more emotion and grief. Do not attempt to settle any marital disagreements while you are still trying to accept the divorce.

Remain hopeful for the future. There is life after divorce, and you will be able to heal and move on from your partner, in order to build a new life for yourself.

Of course, as the divorce affects the entire family, it will often feel as if you are walking on egg shells around your children. However, this is necessary in order to help them ease through the unsettling process of divorce. Though you and your spouse might have come to terms with the impending separation, it will possibly take your children much longer to accept the news, and they might blame themselves for the divorce or struggle with picking favorites and trying to make both parents happy. Though children are not to blame for the divorce, they are facing insurmountable changes that are out of their control, and it will be sometimes be very difficult to handle.

Guidelines for a Friendly Divorce

Keep in mind that your children are children. They are not your marriage counselor. They are not your divorce attorney. Though you want to include your children as much as possible with the changes taking place, do not include them in your marital disagreements. It will only cause more stress on them. Try the following steps in order to ease the stress of a divorce on your children.

Do not encourage your child to pick sides. They can equally love both parents.
Contain your hostility. Do not express hatred or argue with your spouse in your children’s presence.

Co-parent peacefully. You are both still the parents of your child, regardless of your personal relationship. You need to remain civilized when dealing with matters regarding the children.

Do not badmouth your ex or your ex’s family. This will only conflict your child as they love their grandparents and other relatives.

Agree on concerns about your children including bedtimes, homework, curfews, etc.
Take a parenting class or attend family therapy in order to make peaceful agreements about your children.

Reassure your child that it is not their fault. It is common for children to feel guilty and try to take blame for the divorce, but this guilt will become hard to bear.

Reassure your children that you and your ex love them, care about them, and will spend as much time with them as possible. Explain that you want them to be happy. Do not close the door for communication.

With over 40% of marriages ending in divorce, it is hard to remain hopeful that your relationship can be saved. However, there are many things you can do to keep the flame going, and a healthy and happy relationship is not unrealistic.

Tips for Divorcing Parents

Talk openly with your partner: Communication is key in relationships. Lack of communication makes a successful relationship impossible, and being afraid to openly and honestly communicate with your partner will leave all issues unresolved. Though talking about difficult subjects can be hard, keeping an open flow of communication and trusting your partner to listen to your concerns produces the most effective relationships.

Keep your relationship fresh. Dating is not just for twenty-somethings looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Dating is important to foster your love and interests together, and therefore build on your foundation as a couple. Stepping outside your routine and keeping the relationship interesting is vital for a long-lasting marriage.

Every relationship will face challenges, and every couple will fight. However, if you are having the same fight repeatedly, counseling might be beneficial. Arguing over the same thing will not solve your problems, and counseling can help you move past the barrier. Even without current challenges, counseling for the sake of marriage education is also beneficial and can foster a strong, long-lasting relationship.

Healthy Relationship Tips

There are many counseling options both during the marriage and during the divorce. Even if you think a divorce is inevitable, your relationship might be able to be saved. Handling conflict appropriately is the most effective way to avoid divorce, and it can be done with the help of a counselor.

Saving Your Marriage

Divorce does not happen immediately. Divorce is the buildup of negative emotions, failed communication, and piled-on resentment. Divorce happens as a last resort, when figuratively the straw has broken the camel’s back. Marriage counseling provides many benefits, such as:
  • Conflict resolution
  • Effective communication
  • Expression of emotions without resentment or anger
  • Learning how to be assertive without being offensive
  • Processing unresolved emotions
  • Understanding spouse and his/her motives

Seeking counseling as early as possible provides you a better opportunity to save your marriage, or at least amicably divorce. Counselors can mediate and help you work through your issues without the tension experienced when problem-solving alone. Counseling can help save a broken relationship, or can help you learn how to coexist for your children.

Seek Help: Sign Up for Marriage Counseling

Our trained counselors can help you embark on this new journey. Contact us today to start the process. Check out our Counseling Processes in order to determine if counseling is right for you and your family. Set up your appointment today.
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